Humor #11
From some contest in which Boomers were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder it was in the old days:
In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing," "one," "twain" and "multitudes." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying `Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.(Brendan Bassett, Columbia)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse.(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys.(Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ...(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
45 fun things to do on a paper you don't care about (for students)
1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts withreally small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious.If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.
23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.
25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.
27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear.Say that Worf is Ophelia.
28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.
33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.
35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.
37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.
38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoo the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".
Mike Pfohl sends: SOME POLICE REPORTS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY: excerpts from the book, "Knuckleheads in the News"
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and colided with a tree I don't have.
* I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't open when I put my head through it.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in-law, and headed over the embankment.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I had been driving for forty years when I fill asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appear before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
* An invisible car came from out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
* I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran him over.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray crows.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
SOME COURTROOM QUOTES:
* Lawyer to defendant: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
* Lawyer : "I show you Exhibit three and ask you if you recognize that picture.Witness: "That's me." Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
* Lawyer: "Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morninig?"
* Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now? Defendant: "I'll be three months on november eighth." Lawyer: "Apparently, then the date of conception was August the eighth?" Defendant: "Yes." Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
* Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
* Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? Mrs. Jones: "I used to be." Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
* Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
* Defendant: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
* Lawyer: "She had 3 children right?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "How many were boys." Witness: "None." Lawyer: "Were there any girls?"
* Lawyer: "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he"?
* Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Defendant: "Yes."Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
* Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington?"Coroner: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 pm."Lawyer: "And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?"Coroner: "No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!"
"Hardest Things About Being a Septuplet"
Middle children only get to keep hand-me-down clothes for about six minutes
Being constantly taunted by brothers and sisters who claim, "You were an accident; Mom and Dad only wanted six."
Can't organize a game of three-on-three hoops without one sibling being reduced to tears
Never get more than a tiny taste of birthday cake
The "youngest" child forever frustrated that most family decisions are made according to "birth order"
When two grown septuplets have a fight, they feel an unexplained urge to steal their sibling's oxygen and nutrients
Dealing with lifelong claustrophobia
Emotional block leaves you unable to say the words "fertility drugs"
Headache-inducing confusion caused by trying to figure out which sibling sent the latest telepathic message
Recurring nightmare that you might have ended-up as one of seven "Siamese Septuplets"
Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001