Humor #12

How Can So Many People Fit In Such A Small Space?

The ladies' room has always been much of a mystery to humans (Earth) of the male persuasion. Many questions have appeared over history, but none so burning as how do so many of them fit into such a tiny space?Dr Steven Moore, in his book "Transdimensionalism and the Ladies' Room: Warp Lanes to Infinity", traces the history of mans' search to reveal the truth:If one has ever been to a restaurant with a group of friends, a sizeable quantity of which are female, then one must surely notice that, at some point, all of the women will get up and migrate to the ladies' room for some reason totally incomprehensible to any man. But what is utterly baffling is how so many people can fit themselves into such a small space with no apparent discomfort. Many theories have been proposed, however, in an attempt to explain this bizarre phenomenon.One famous early hypothesis, proposed by the late Dr. Sergei Ivanovich Sarkonov, states that the lighting and arrangement of mirrors in the powder room makes it appear smaller than it really is. Unfortunately, after a daring expedition made by a group of all-male scientists into a typical ladies' room in 1905, this theory was struck down through careful observation and study of the lights and mirrors. They concluded that the room really was as cramped as it looked, and the "Powder Room Puzzle," as it was now known, became one of the greatest scientific dilemmas of all time.In the early 1940's, however, after Einstein's concept of relativity became popular among theoretical scientists, one young, fresh mind, Dr. Georg Schlaufel from the University of Berlin, conjectured that there was a confined disturbance in the Time-Space Continuum in each of these locations, allowing, somehow, more people to fit into a smaller space than previously thought possible. However, this line of thought was ill-fated, as Dr. Schlaufel was drafted into Germany's war machine and was killed shortly thereafter in the destruction of Berlin by the Allies. As he was the only one able to read his handwriting, his theory, unable to be understood by anyone living at the time, was soon forgotten.With the advent of the third-generation supercomputer and superstring theory in the mid-eighties, modern physics has been able once more to delve into the mysteries of the ladies' room. Robert Matthews, a computer programmer for the National Center for Supercomputing Research, after nearly a dozen years of research and tedious programming, managed to write a simulation program that attempted to describe what actually occurs when large numbers of people filter into the women's restroom.He found that the time-space continuum is actually compressed in small pockets, all of which amazingly seem to coincide with the placement of ladies' restrooms, and that after the capacity of a bathroom is reached, any additional people entering the room appear to occupy the same point in the continuum as the people already in the restroom. Of course, this is mere illusion, because as it turns out, the room is actually dimensional transcendental: it contains more space than it occupies.Unfortunately, the government soon found out about this interesting phenomenon and obstructed the publication of Matthews' findings for national security reasons. However, the information leaked out of NASA and other government agencies. The public, through the media, became acutely aware that a ground-breaking discovery had been made, and they petitioned the government to make public the information. With the passing of the Freedom of Information Act in 1990, the mind-bending truth was revealed to the populace, and physics as we knew it was changed forever.

In the United States, there are various forms of Health Insurance. One form is the HMO, where you must go to their doctors for healthcare.Frequently Asked Questions pertaining to HMO Plans

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that the $10 CO-payment is all you're risking, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No."Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?"A: "No."Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"A: "No."Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Sunbathing (TRUE STORY)

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear."Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.""Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

And You Thought YOU Were Having a Bad Day...

* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the centre of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Fishing

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?""Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

COUNTING

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his doctor about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!""Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find it!"

As found in the Ottawa Citizen, July 9/97:

Law firm closed after billing mother of dead partner By Maurice Weaver / The Daily TelegraphLondon - A British law firm that billed a dead man's mother $350 an hour for finding his body after he committed suicide, has been closed by regulators.The firm's two senior partners, including John Westall,who presented the final bill totalling more than $28,000, have had their licences suspended and have been summoned before a disciplinary tribunal, which has the power to fine, suspend or disbar them.Mr. Westall, 53, and David Waterhouse, 47, were partners in James Beauchamp.The incident occurred last November when Christopher Bryant,54, a property lawyer at Beauchamp's offices, was found hanged at his home. A coroner recorded a verdict of suicide.Beauchamp sent a bill to Irene Brierley, the dead man's 80- year-old mother, demanding payment for professional services. The itemized bill included sums for "attending Mr. Bryant's home when he failed to attend work.

ALL THE NEWS THAT IS FIT TO PRINT

"Mike, a reporter from Philadelphia, was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a small town in Maine. "I don't see how you do it," Mike said. "How can youdrum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing?""Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the newspaper to see who got caught at it."

RIDDLES:

-Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors? Over the apevine.

-There's a dog that loves to be scrubbed three times every day. The owners aren't sure of his breed, they think he's a shampoodle.

-A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pupfor her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

-A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001