Humor #22

These are actual bumper stickers:

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

* Keep honking...I'm reloading

Submitted by: UltimateHi @ aol.com

SCARE ME? A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

HIS ASHES A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "OOHH...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

SUCK CHOCOLATE A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

STEWED TOMATOES A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

FAT SLOB A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

QUALITY CONTROL How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?

TOUGH TO PEEL He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel.

FIRST CHILD A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

HOLY WATER You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

GOT A DRIVER Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys have got a *driver.*"

HAPPY PIT BULL What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

SHELLFISH Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

ATE MY SOCKS Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

SHORT RUNWAY Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."

GOT A MATCH? Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

SPOT What'd the really stupid guy name his pet zebra? "Spot."

WALK AROUND WORLD Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

AIRPORT Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport? He's the one throwing bread to the planes.

PUT UP SCREENS Two guys are in a submarine. The first guy says, "Man, what are all these fish doing in here?" The other guy says, "I don't know. Maybe we should put up some screens."

QUIET PLACE What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

THERMOS A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."

TRUE-FALSE A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

HALLOWEEN TOMBSTONES and a HALLOWEEN MAD LIB

HALLOWEEN TOMBSTONES

Justin Tyme

Yetta Nother

Barry A. Live

Dawn Under

Ted N. Buried

Yul B. Next

Bill M. Lader

Lefty B. Hynde

Kerry M. Off

Fester N. Rott

Reid N. Weep

Sue D'Bum

Jess Gough

Barry M. Deep

U. R. Gone

Otta B. Alive

Mummy B. Ware

Berry D. Hatchet

Wil B. Back

R. U. Next

Dr. Izzy Gone

Emma Ghost

M. T. Tomb

Here lies my wife, I bid her goodbye. She rests in peace and now so do I.

Here lies Henry Blake -+- He stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

Here lies Vlad the Impaler ~ He bit off more than he could chew

Here lies the Pillsbury Dough Boy ~ He will rise again

GO HOME (accompanied w/ a bloody handprint)

Walt Disney World's Haunted Mansion tombstones, and in some cases, which Imagineer they reference to:

RIP GOOD FRIEND GORDON now you've crossed the river jordan

RIP in memorium uncle myall HERE YOU'LL REST FOR QUITE A WHILE (Chuck Myall - Art Director)

REST IN PEACE COUSIN HUET we all know you didn't do it

HERE RESTS WATHEL R. BENDER he rode to glory on a fender (Wathel Rodgers - illusionist, mechanical genius)

HERE LIES GOOD OLD FRED a great big rock fell on his head

AT PEACEFUL REST LIES BROTHER CLAUDE planted here beneath this sod (Claude Coates - Art Director, Master of Paint Effects and Lighting)

RIP MR. SEWELL the victim of a dirty duel (Ted(?) Sewell - Engineer/Draughtsman(?))

IN MEMORY OF OUR PATRIARCH dear departed grandpa marc (Marc Davis illustrator, idea man, funniest Imagineer)

REQUIESCAT FRANCIS XAVIER no time off for good behavior RIP (Xavier Atencio - scriptwriter, and lyricist, Grim Grinning Ghosts

DEAR DEPARTED BROTHER DAVE he chased a bear into a cave

MASTER GRACEY LAID TO REST no mourning please at his request (Yale Gracey - illusionist)

HERE LIES A MAN NAMED MARTIN the lights went out on this old spartan

Classics from REAL graves:

Here lies John Yeast, Pardon him for not rising.

Here I lie And no wonder I'm dead, For the wheel of a semi Went over my head.

Here lies Lester More. No Les no more ...

HALLOWEEN MAD LIB

Found at WACKY WEB TALES: Halloween Fun http://www.hmco.com/hmco/school/tales/hallow1.html

Hi, I'm not sure how well this will translate via email, but we'll give it a shot. Each of the numbers below has a type of word that you should choose. Write down your answer for each before you read the paragraph below. Choose a word off the top of your head. After answering all 16 spots, substitute the word you chose in the corresponding spot in the paragragh below. Might be fun to do with others.

(1) adjective (2) singular noun (3) adjective (4) singular noun (5) past-tense verb (6) adjective (7) singular noun (8) adjective (9) male friend (10) exclamation (11) singular noun (12) past-tense verb (13) singular noun (14) number greater than one (15) friend (16) another friend

Trick or Treat?

I usually love Halloween, but this year it was unbelievably (1). I really wanted to dress up as a scary (2), but my parents thought the costume was too (3). On Halloween day I convinced them that if I just added a red (4) to the costume, it would look great. When they said I could wear it, I was so happy I (5) them both.

I was all ready to go out trick-or-treating with (15) and (16) when it started to rain. I had to wear a (6) coat and an enormous (7) to stay dry. I thought I looked pretty (8).

I knew I was right when we saw (9). He screamed, " (10)!" when he saw me and dropped a large (11) on his toe. I (12) all the way home.

I looked in the mirror and saw I was too (8). I added another (13) to my costume, and went out again. I must have still looked (8) because I brought home (14) times more candy than ever before. Everyone took one look at me and said," Take as many candies as you want!"

Last Updated Thursday, March 22, 2001