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Assertive
Husband!
A
husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to
let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss."
Of
course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door,
shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking
orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes.
Tonight,
I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong.
And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and
then tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," says his wife calmly.
"The undertaker."
A
Birthday Gift?
A
man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six
again," she replied.
On
the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to
a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death
Slide, the Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear-everything there was!
Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her
stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went where her husband ordered a
Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it
was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola
and M & Ms.
What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked. "Well, dear, what was it like
being six again?"
One
eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The
moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he
will get it wrong anyway.
THE
PRICE OF BRAINS!
In
the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the
worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It is an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The
family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of
time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor
quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain."
The
moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his
curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the
male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence, and
so to the entire group said, "It is just standard pricing procedure. We
have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
I
have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -- Age-Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder. This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the
table. OK, I'm going to wash the car...But first I'm going to go through the
mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice
the trashcan is full.
OK,
I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm
going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now
where is my checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left. My extra checks are
in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking...I'm
going to look for those checks...
But
first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it
into the fridge to keep it cold for a while... I head towards the kitchen and my
flowers catch my eye, they need some water... I set the coke on the counter and
uh oh!
Someone
left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen
tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family
room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I
throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall
trying to figure out what it was I was going to do!!??!!
Thanks to Ken Hayden--
Dog Quotes
"A
dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew
A. Rooney
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." -Ben Williams
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever
made" - M. Facklam
Thanks to Pat Jackson
Not what you would expect
from a redhead
A
young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible,"
says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams in distress. She pushes her ankle and cries
out in awful pain. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The
doctor ponders for a moment .............and then exclaims..... "You're not
really a redhead, are you?"
"No,"
she says,"I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so!" the doctor says...... "Your finger is broken......."