Humor # 94

Thanks to Dave Lankford  

Subject: You're A Teacher If

1) You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

 2) You find humor is other people's stupidity.

3) You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to > have all your holidays and summers free."

 4) You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

 5) You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on > the report card.

6) You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone > says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."

 7) When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange > children and correct their behavior.

8) Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO  much simpler.

 9) When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a  food group.

 10) You think people should be required to get a government  permit before being allowed to reproduce.

 11) You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

12) You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

13) You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

14) You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would  never dream of doing your job.

15) You can't have children of your own, because there is no name  you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure  the moment you heard it.

16) Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

MAMMOGRAM

I've read several of these funny mammogram stories, but even as a man, this one made me laugh until I cried (literally).

The first mammogram is always the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire. That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister -- right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are, perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

Okay, I was wrong, "The machine's on fire," are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working). I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. This is ridiculous, I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: Breast entrapment? I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet.

"Howdy ma'am," he said. "What happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes. "My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!" In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine, "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I relax for a few years, I figure I might go back. But I'm to bring my own firefighter.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE MY MOM!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.